The Wedgies of Fear
by Dead Composer
Summary: Arthur finds out what a wedgie is. Oneshot.


This fic is rated G.  
  
Bonus points if you catch the pun in the title. (Hint: It's a famous French movie.)  
  
Disclaimer: Marc Brown is the evil mastermind behind Arthur, and I'm not.  
  
----  
  
It was the beginning of what appeared would be another perfectly normal day at Lakewood Elementary (by afternoon recess the whole of Elwood City would be in ruins, but that's another story). Arthur, sporting the usual sweater and oversized glasses, was strolling nonchalantly down the hallway in the direction of Mr. Ratburn's classroom. As he wondered what difficult homework tasks he would be laden with, he nearly collided with the last person in the world he wanted to see--Binky Barnes, the bully who was feared by all. (This was before Binky softened up and became an all-around tolerable guy. I'm also aware that Arthur had to see Binky every day since they were in the same class.)  
  
"Hey, doofus," said Binky with a condescending smirk, as he seemed incapable of greeting a person in any other manner. "You ever had a wedgie before?"  
  
"Uh, no," Arthur replied nervously. "I don't even know what a wedgie is."  
  
"You're gonna find out today," Binky promised him. "See ya, doofus."  
  
Terror gripped Arthur's heart as he watched the bulldog boy step past. He wished he had answered, "Yes, I've had several wedgies, and they were all quite pleasant."  
  
Binky suddenly turned around and slapped himself on the forehead. "Where am I going?" he grumbled. "I'm in your class, doofus."  
  
And so Arthur had to walk all the way to Ratburn's room alongside Binky, who dwarfed him like a national monument. "Wedgie wedgie wedgie, wedgie wedgie wedgie..." the huge boy chanted mockingly.  
  
Poor Arthur couldn't concentrate on the history lecture, so great was his anxiety over Binky's threat. He had heard the word "wedgie" whispered in dark corners before, as if everyone considered it bad luck to say it out loud where others could hear. It was becoming obvious that he would end the school day either severely traumatized emotionally, or dead.  
  
When class let out, he gathered with his friends and classmates, including Buster, Muffy, Brain, Francine, and Fern. As they talked about the recent game between the Elwood City Grebes and the Crown City Crimson Sox, Arthur worked up the nerve to ask them all a sensitive question.  
  
"Guys, has any of you ever had a wedgie?"  
  
Brain, Francine, Buster, and Muffy fell deathly silent. Fern put her hands over her eyes, burst into tears, and ran away.  
  
Astonished, Arthur waited breathlessly for an answer, but was only met with scowls.  
  
"Nice going, Arthur," groused Francine. "Now Fern will spend the whole day reliving those awful memories."  
  
"A wedgie is the most horrible thing that can happen to a person," said Brain.  
  
"Also the rudest," Muffy interjected.  
  
"After a wedgie, you're never the same," added Buster. "That's why Fern's so quiet all the time."  
  
"You do know she used to be a boy, right?" said Francine.  
  
Arthur's trepidation grew with each sentence that was spoken. Surely, he thought, no human (or aardvark) experience could be so dire...  
  
Throughout second period's math lesson he tried not to let his gaze wander to Binky's desk. No doubt the hulking boy would only grin triumphantly at him. He knew he had to stay away from the bully, but would that do him any good? Was a wedgie something that could be administered over a long distance?  
  
He imagined being wheeled into an emergency room in the Katzenellenbogan Memorial Hospital, his body filled with exquisite pain. The doctors, their faces masked and fingers gloved, took up surgical implements and went to work. He didn't know if he was conscious or not, and it seemed to make little difference.  
  
When he became lucid again, he saw his sad-faced parents and a grim-looking surgeon standing around his bed. "After the wedgie, there wasn't much of you left," the surgeon explained. "We patched you up the best we could. You'll eventually get used to having only one lung, and eating through a tube. We had to make a few more changes, but rather than describe them myself, I'll let the mirror do the talking."  
  
The doctor held out a small mirror, which Arthur grasped with one of his feeble, seemingly smaller hands. Holding it up to his face, he was horrified to see not his own reflection, but that of his sister, D.W.  
  
"NOOOOOOO..."  
  
It was going to be a long, long day.  
  
Morning recess finally came, and Arthur sat on a swing in the playground, still silently fantasizing about his fate. He hardly noticed Molly standing in front of him, frowning impatiently. "Hey, doofus," she greeted him petulantly. "Either swing, or get off the swing."  
  
Before he had a chance to weigh the two alternatives, he felt a set of clammy fingers reaching into the back of his pants...  
  
"Huh?" came Binky's confused voice.  
  
Jumping down from the swing, Arthur reached into his pocket and drew out a pair of underpants. "Looking for these?" he asked Binky.  
  
The bulldog boy could only stare blankly.  
  
"I asked the principal what a wedgie is," said Arthur proudly. "I was ready for you."  
  
"Oh, man," groaned Binky. "Another wedgie foiled."  
  
"Let's go pick on George," Molly suggested.  
  
As the two bullies strolled off to other parts of the playground, Arthur tossed his underpants into the air and let them fall into his hand. He knew he would have to put them back on sooner or later, but at least he had bought himself some time. 


End file.
